lostwater

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 01:50:01 GMT

hey! i lied but it doesn't matter. things lately have been funny lately. well no, the actual things have been fine, i mean whatever, normal or something. but me, i think i am getting back to normal. i haven't worried much lately. or maybe i should be. okay well i'm not completely back to normal. i dunno. this weekend has been positive. friday, school went well, then right to a show in philly then hanging out with some cool people that was really nice cause it was easy to be social and have fun. then saturday i had work which i mean work bleh you know but james came and we played magic so that was chill. and andrew texted "hey everybody come to new funswick" and i thought it was too sudden and james might want to hang out or something, but i ended up going but it was going to be cool. and it was cause it was just me and andrew on the way up, i like (i just got really distracted just now, good distraction though!) just chillin with him. dude he is so cool he has no idea. i mean i guess later that night was kinda lame, but thats stupid other people drunkeness thats fine. i talked with chris and shared some of his wine and that was really cool, i feel like he is such a cool kid. i dunno i forget. i'm talking to a new person now too and that is exciting cause they are interesting, so things are good now, and plus andrew called me very excitedly.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 00:50:00 GMT

my last post
a realization
the person i love no longer exists

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:40:16 GMT

this thing is stupid

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 21:28:48 GMT

i feel like i need a chill post. talking about something stupid like something that annoys about tying my shoes or something. i can't think of anything though, i just read a blog journal thing and they were talking about how the S button on their keyboard doesn't work. my keyboard works fine though. one of my lightbulbs is out though. its sunday and i haven't accomplished anything and its 4:23 which is the worst time to do anything and i'm too lazy to change it. winter break is coming up! i'm going to go to vermont that really makes me excited it is going to be such a cool place, maybe i'll take a lot of pictures and go ice skating and maybe skiing and build a snowman and make snow angels and drink hot chocolate in the cabin and relax. it would be cool if my friends came with me, but my family's chill, and it'll be cool there anyway. the house fell through, but maybe we'll get a nice pitman apartment. i dunno, you know how that goes. sometimes i dread this place, but it could be a lot worse, i have it pretty good i suppose. i don't want to veer into serious matters, but i'm getting crazy about finding music again. the fact that its new is so exciting. something unheard yet amazing. you dont know what to expect and it is just good, i love this period right now i have like 10 songs which im obsessed with. i think i will start a blogspot and be a blogger. put up all the good songs that i discover. hype up those small bands so that pitchfork will give them best new music and they'll become in that perfect amount of famous where they always sound good and stay humble but make money and get recognized. they all deserve it. i really like music.

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:59:29 GMT

i want a new brain. i can't take thinking like this. i am floating right now, i am going crazy, flipping out, yet sitting very calmly at the computer screen. it is something silly, something to be ridiculed, something to make jokes about. the world is still moving, the overall happiness of every other person has increased i think. is this a war? should i be struggling to gain ground? what can i do? what can i do? all i ever was was waswas wasawas awasawasawasawasawasawsadf i cant think i cant think my brain is exploding i have been up i have been down i have nowhere and everywhere and lost always lost. always searching. maybe meaning. i thought i had meaning. i thought i had everything i needed. you fucked me up. no you didn't, how dare you assume you have such power? but you did, look at me, and you continue to, every step you take every step i take. NO, you didn't it was me. all along it was me, with my thoughts, with my being, it was all waiting to happen, i am like a landmine, one tap and i set off. i exploded. i'm in a continual state of explosion. its not things you do, its me caring, hoping, waiting, watching, thinking, talking, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH whats the point? i do it to myself. i can't escape songs either. it makes it better and worse knowing other people have been here. most of them survive. i'm stuck. i'm really really stuck, the usual tricks and people couldn't get me out. FUCK. this is all silliness haha, a pointless waste of my time. right. waste. i don't need it. yup. NO. NO IT ALWAYS COMES BACK. i won't listen to myself. i won't change, i won't let me, i want to, i can't i fail i try i get up i never really do get up. do i try? i don't think i know how to try, i don't know anywhere to go, i think to make myself feel better i have to feel better, its like im in a basement with no stairs. i made brownies today. how simple. how nice. i made a resume. how collegiate. i sung happy birthday with my family. how loving. it feels so empty to me. am i diseased? am i broken? i need someone to fix me, i need someone to show me how to fix myself. i wish i was strong, but i found out that i really was dependent. it is a terrible thing, to have to depend on something. nothing is dependable except the ground. i have lost trust in people. how can i trust anyone? they all could hate me, they all could be waiting to get rid of me, just not wanting to have an awkward situation. i have wondered about human nature for as long as i can remember. i wondered if anyone else was real, or just me. consciousness is a funny thing, you can only experience your own consciousness, everyone else is just words and actions. you can get words and actions from a movie, from a cartoon. those cartoons can be just as conscious as another human being, as my mother or father. you cannot invest in anyone but yourself. LIES. all philosophies are lies. all of them can be rejected, all of them can be argued. nothing is real, everything is real, i am a flower. HAHAHAHAHA, so the point is, don't think about that. "think about the good things" the good things. the good things. ingrain this into my head. good things. laughter and fun and happiness and no worries. come to meeeeee, i could eat it all up. and still not be satiated. i could still look at another, fuller person. always. "dont think about that". dont think about that dont think about this dont think about anything that will make you go crazy just avoid it all humans are all crazy you're crazy if you're not crazy. so many things are hidden, everything needs to be concealed, everything needs to be analyzed and thought about and conflicts need to be made and greed and love and preference and opinions need to be formed. i am trying to understand why. "many men have gone mad" AHHHHHHHHHHHHH i need to breathe. i went underwater two months ago, and i'm still looking for the surface. well i try to try. what i actually do is stay underwater and immerse myself in all these things. i stay underwater and scream and no one can hear me, "lookheistooperfecthecannotberealhecriedinyourarmsyouswoonedhewooedyouwithhismusicandhispoeticwordsandhissoftmannerandhisdeepsecretshetellsyouhewhispersinyourearheisafairytaleandiwasjustanormalguy" its all the same and its never filling. i am starved and i am suffocating. i dream of a time when i will be full and breathing easy, but it doesn't change. nothing changes. why am i writing this? what will i hope to achieve? am i talking to myself? am i hoping you will read this? am i hoping someone else i know will read this? how will they react? am i looking for a reaction? did i just need to scream. i did i needed someone to talk to, but i couldn't. i couldn't trust anyone to care. it doesn't matter if the internet cares, this is forced upon it. maybe i just wanted to waste some time so i wasn't getting another night of too much sleep. this has tired me out, and i realize i'm in the same place, and it is somewhat of a relief that i am in a familiar (and steadily becoming more familiar) place, albeit sad. keep the music coming, and i'll be alright.

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 20:00:29 GMT

why is everything so fucking hard?

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:49:05 GMT

good thing it was low tide the next time i came four months later.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 05:17:56 GMT

i am sitting here, believing in fate. if what you say is true, then i will sit here, and wait for someone to come out of nowhere. without any effort from me, just a natural fall. another natural fall. a better natural fall, not that that is possible. but i am waiting for it nonetheless. something more perfect than perfection itself. it will come to me, won't it?

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 04:19:40 GMT

i've hit a road block. or something like that. i don't know where i am or where i am going. i suddenly realize maybe i should have thought more about college. i don't think anything would have changed actually. i am truly apathetic about my schoolwork, i do not enjoy any of my classes. it was cool last year, because i could not care and still get A's, but i believe after 13 years of this, i cannot ride my brain any longer. also, i didn't care that my classes sucked last year, 1. because they were easy, 2. because i heard the first year always is stupid, and 3. because otherwise i was pretty excited about my life. i'm not really that concerned about being well off, i mean whatever is good. i don't really know what i want to do careerwise. i mean what i'm going for gives me a lot of options, but i'm going to hate it if i'm just doing math all the time like i am now. i am not talented enough to make it in any sort of music or artistic field. i shouldn't really be in a band, i can put my fingers on notes and that passes for now. i can arrange notes in original patterns that don't sound terrible. i am really a mediocre musician. and now my status as a smart kid is slipping, i think i'm sorta intelligent but this crazy math stuff isreally all above me. i find myself not understanding things that seem to be common knowledge with other kids. i want to just have fun and chill now, but i'm not outgoing at all. i'm bad at starting conversation, and i have a lot of trouble asking people to hang out. i need to get something started i need to become something i like, but i'm not sure what that is. i can't see clearly. it was easier when i was with someone, i knew that that was what i wanted, it was the first thing i was ever confident about, it was one of the few things i cared about. now that confidence is shattered, and i have no confidence in anything. i'm on shaky ground. i really do have a good life. i'm in a good position to be really well off, and i have a great family, and i have a few great friends. is it really just that love that i'm missing? no, i'm missing something inside of me as well. or maybe i'm not. maybe everyone is completely confused, and they just cover it up. i think i cover it up sometimes. i think its good i'm here at least. because if i continue on autopilot, at least i'll still have what i have now, its not like i'll fall off a cliff. whatever, i am getting distracted.

here's what i did today

after 3 problems, i started thinking.

i suppose you might not be able to see what this is unless you already know what it is.

a persistent thought that started once i found the tree: "i wonder if the first night she went to sleep loving him and not me was the night the ribbon fell off".

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 04:52:28 GMT

hey look. i'm no different than everybody else.

www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/50838/2/ASC/#comment

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 04:24:43 GMT

i called you a thief, then you gave me a leaf.

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 03:35:45 GMT

i am late to this game and am a slow learner, but can i play?

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 02:25:41 GMT

it only took a second to lose my grip

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 04:35:35 GMT

illinois - what can i do for you: "it's the best thing i could have done for you i have to let you go but i dont want to and darling i died inside its true tomorrow i'll hide my love for you"

mirah - la familia: "if we sleep together would it make it any better?"

the brian jonestown massacre - free and easy take two: "cause i got no expectations of loving anyone again"

the faint - i treat you wrong: "i realize now that you deserve more"

stars - reunion: "all i want is one more chance to be young and wild and free all i want is one more chance to show you, you were right for me"

violent femmes - please do not go: "i'm stuck on this lovely girl. to me you know she means all the world. but then she like another guy. i fall down dead she never see the tears i cry. please please please do not go"

youth group - lillian lies: "you didn't think you'd be so dumb to just grab ahold of whatever came along"

there's many more

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 19:03:23 GMT

my dog is 14 years old. that is 98 in dog years. he is very old, but he still walks up and down the stairs very often and for no apparent reason. he used to fall down a lot, but now he just takes it very slow and is just fine. we don't know why he goes up and down so often. everything he needs is downstairs, but he likes to sleep upstairs in my parent's bedroom. he really seems to love my mom. she doesn't really pay attention to him that often, but i suppose she is a comfort. my dad says he has restless leg syndrome. he does pace around aimlessly sometimes. i am unsure. i think it is just because he can't decide. he has what he needs downstairs, but he wants what belongs upstairs. and even though what he wants may not be there, he knows that when the night ends she will be. and that is all that matters.

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 02:12:38 GMT

i have seen true love and it does not include me.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:36:01 GMT

what luck

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:29:35 GMT

perhaps truth and love and beauty were here all along, and we just had to find them.